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Liberty Tweezers

This was distributed at the 2001 Libertarian Party of California convention in San Jose and forwarded to the LP Campus Activist email group:

What NOT To Say Libertarian Outreach Booths

Liberty Tweezers

These are the 10 amendments to the Liberty Tweezers.  All who take this pledge must comply voluntarily; to do otherwise would be un-libertarian.

Nothing is wrong with cleaning up your act or dressing better to excel in business or politics.  Most of us would get dressed up for financial gain, but when it comes to dressing up for freedom some of us fall short.  In the end, what is the biggest threat to Libertarian Party? Interlocking relationships? Sabotage from the outside?  No, it’s nose hairs.

Therefore, I do solemnly pledge:

  1. I will not let my nose hairs grow outside of my nostrils.  Even better I will ensure I have no visible nose hairs at all.  (Nose hairs just provide a place for boogers to hide.)  Otherwise, I know that I may be the most brilliant, persuasive libertarian in the world, but the only thing people will remember about me is that I had really long nose hairs with boogers in them.
  2. I will cut my hair in such a way that the majority of people will not laugh at me behind my back.  I will find out where the Supercuts is located in my neighborhood.  I will go there and have my hair cut, not in the stupid way I think looks best, but in whatever way a professional hairstylist thinks best (p.s. your mom is not a professional hairstylist).  I will also ask the stylist to get rid of my ear hair if present.  (Mention this even if you think you do not have ear hair.  It creeps up on you as you get older)  And, if I’m going bald, I will stop trying to hide it.  I will admit to myself that I’m going bald; and everybody knows I’m going bald; and nobody is fooled by my stupid comb-over; so I will get rid of that and the bad toupee immediately (Balding can look dignified if you don’t try to hide it).
  3. I will not go on public access television in a suit that looks like a hand-me-down my older brother gave me when he went off to college and that looks like I kept it in the bottom of my closet since then.  Nor will I wear my favorite Harry Browne T-shirt.  Instead, I will wear appropriate, professional, business attire.
  4. I will not go to candidates forums wearing western or Hawaiian style shirts that are too small and tucked into my jeans in an attempt to look neat for a change, but which just end up accentuating my ample beer and junk food gut.
  5. I will try not to look or sound scary.  I will not wear scary, militant T-shirts, that say, “Kill a Statist for Christ” or, “I Love My Gun Twice a Day”.  While talking to people, I will try to smile more and scowl less.  I will not insult people who don’t “get it” fast enough.
  6. I will not wear black socks with shorts to outreach events.
  7. If I have libertarian stuff on my car I will try to keep it clean – the car, that is (It makes us look bad if you don’t.  Layers of dirt, bird droppings, and mud splatters do not go well with your libertarian stuff)  Also, I will not put really scary stickers about shooting people who mess with my car or shooting D.E.A., I.R.S., F.B.I, A.T.F. or E.T.C. agents next to my libertarian bumper stickers (These things frighten people and make them scared of you and us).
  8. I will try to keep my clothes free of grease, dirt, chocolate cake, beer and all other mystery stains.
  9. If my look is not mainstream (which, of course, is your right and you are still welcomed and needed here), I will try to make sure my green mohawk is straight and my trans-gender fun fur pink bikini is clean and the spikes on my purple leather dog collar are polished and sharp.
  10. I realize that my logic, reason, and clever arguments are not nearly as important as the non-verbal messages I send.  I will be nice, even if people don’t agree with me.  No one will remember any of my brilliant arguments ten minutes after they talk to me.  All they will remember – like it or not — is that they met a libertarian for the first time and whether or not I was a nice, pleasant, well-groomed, inviting, friendly person to be around.  Which, of course, I am.

I pledge to do the above voluntarily and to the best of my ability and promise to ask for help if I am clueless.

Signed _________________________________________

Date______________________

Remember, you are the first libertarian most people will ever meet.

Each little thing about you that may be a little weird or scruffy is going to be noticed once you open your big mouth (hopefully with no food in your teeth and recently freshened with mouthwash or mints) and start telling them these weird alien ideas about how government is evil.  This is a strange idea to most people who have been propagandized their whole life to believe that government is responsible for all that is good in the world.

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