On February 18, 2004, The Onion published a story entitled, “Fuck Everything, We’re Doing Five Blades,” describing a fictional Gillette executive’s response to the Schick Quattro, a razor that offered four blades to the Gillette Mach 3‘s paltry three.
You think it’s crazy? It is crazy. But I don’t give a shit. From now on, we’re the ones who have the edge in the multi-blade game. Are they the best a man can get? Fuck, no. Gillette is the best a man can get.
What part of this don’t you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best fucking razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn’t claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, five blades is the biggest chance of all.
Now an actual Gillette executive has announced that they’re going beyond satire to launch the Gillette Fusion, a five-bladed razor. Not only five-blades, but a goddamn microchip (to “regulate the voltage and blade action”) as well.
Gillette has escalated the razor wars yet again, unveiling a new line of razors on Wednesday with five blades and a lubricating strip on both the front and back.
The razor, known as the Fusion, has blades spaced 30 percent closer than Gillette’s current MACH3Turbo system. It also has a single blade on the back of the cartridge for shaving sideburns or trimming under the nose.
Close readers of this blog will note that this is not the first time that the Onion’s predictions have come true. Horoscope writers and palm readers should beware. Nostradamus publishers should quake. There’s a new oracle of the future in town: America’s Finest News Source.
…shocked and awed…